How often do we think about the past, reminisce and enjoy the pleasant memories? As a young adult, I currently go through a traumatic roller coaster of emotions, overwhelmed by how time flies and how I miss being me.
The old-plain-mischievous-little me!
It was recently that I realised a little detail that made me feel proud of an incident, that I have been feeling ashamed of and overthinking for a while in the past few months. As a little kid, I grew up in isolation from a big family that I was a part of. My grandparents moved to a city to find their living and I landed up in a busy city as a child forsaken for familial attachment. I spent most of my weekends reading books and spending time all alone in the cosiness of my bedroom, gladly hoping that my summer holidays would bring me back to my little extended family that has always showered me with much happiness. Over time, I realised that this was life and accustomed myself to being alone and finding happiness in the little things.
I remember how my mom and granny would just pamper me and not let me do even the smallest household chores. I was raised as an independent kid to the rest of the world. But at home, I was spoilt with love. Every morning, I remember putting on my dark blue pinafore and sitting on a chair with a cup of tea, when my mom would plait my hair as we spoke gossip and stories from school. I was habituated to following this for about 18 years of my life, and when I moved out of home for my post-grad, I never made time to braid my hair. I just made a quick bun and wrapped up getting ready as quickly as I could.
A few weeks ago, I got to be with my mom again. I don’t know why or how, but she saw me making that messy hairstyle and pulled me, as she began braiding my hair. I was encountered by a relative when I walked out of the room with braided hair when she commented on how messy I have been and how dependent I am on my mom for the smallest things in life. I was ashamed and felt let down for not being independent. I have been thinking about this for a while. Every time I look at the other kids in the family trying to be independent and seek privacy, I am constantly been bombarded with the feeling of how my parents haven’t raised me right/ have pampered me despite being married and a fully grown adult. I’ve always felt like a letdown and I was wondering if there was something wrong with my upbringing.
It was today that I realised something. I came across a random Insta post on the film, “Up”. I have watched this film multiple times, but I never remembered this scene. The post talks about how Ellie used to tie Carl’s necktie every day and how after Ellie’s death Carl used a bow tie. He never learned to tie-a-tie, because Ellie always used to do it for him. After Ellie’s death, he never tried to fill this lacuna. He never looked for anyone else to help him tie a tie, or never wanted to learn to do it by himself.
Psychologically, I felt like Carl from the film. I realised, “It’s not that I don’t know how to braid my hair, it is just that I don’t want to fill up my mom’s space by doing it myself”. I felt proud of how my brain has been masking this behaviour and helping me keep all the nostalgic moments and memories tied to all the little instances. I felt happy and thanked my brain for not killing the nostalgia.
All the while, I also felt bad for how kids have been losing connection even with their parents. And how new-gen parents feel proud of their kids not depending on them. I mean, you could be the strongest and the most independent human being ever alive. But even the strongest man has a breaking point. And If you don’t trust your parents or your close family and stay dependent on them, I don’t see the meaning of life here. What is so proud in telling the world that your kids have grown up and mastered the skills to survive alone when they no longer want to be kids EVEN WITH YOU? I’d consider this new-gen parenting a complete disaster. A place where kids want to be adults, and parents want their kids to be independent, killing all emotional ties and nostalgia that revolves around a cosy happy family.
We all deserve to be kids with someone, don’t we? And it is okay to stay dependent and do the silliest things with our loved ones, expect them to help you with little things and stay pampered and clingy. That is the kind of comfort I look for with the people I love in this world. Somewhere I could be stark, shedding all masks I have been wearing for the rest of the world and simply being
The old-plain-mischievous-little me!
madihasamu 