Ever since I started up my PhD, I’ve been suffering from ultimate self-doubt. By this, I mean every single day, every single moment at lab, I could barely concentrate and work or read papers or do assignments. I’ve been insomniac, rarely seeking help, making people believe I was all fine and happy, until I actually broke (Oops, its shattered), because the self doubt became so consuming that I wasn’t able to process it any further. I wasn’t complete or feeling fine even after everyone tried to convince me that I was all deserving and everything would just get better. I honestly appreciate the efforts of those who stood by me when I did nothing but cried and vented out all my heart. Because, I rarely do that and when I do, it is because it’s so overpowering that I can’t take it anymore. Amidst all this, I happened to attend a lecture on “Embryology and animal development” from a professor at my university today.
Usually, I take the first bench in all my classes and stay attentive most of the time. This is my habit ever since schooling. But from Day 1 of my PhD, I’ve been sleeping, feeling exhausted and dumb in all my courses (Again it’s Ms.Self doubt doing the shit). However, I decided not to sleep in this prof’s class, because we were just a class of 5 students and sleeping meant feeling awkward in front of the class.
So he started with teaching on “Bicoid” genes and the maternal inheritance in Drosophila. As he went on, he started throwing up personal facts about scientists. I came to know that T.H.Morgan, A Nobel laureate used to buy roses for his wife everyday after lab. I felt it would be nice to have a partner of that sort. So post class I went around looking for the personal life stories of Morgan and Lilian Vaughan Morgan. This female was a potential science enthusiast who married the PI from her Masters. Despite all her efforts to become a successful scientist, she took a break in her career for 16 long years until all her 4 kids grew up (And her husband managed to get the Nobel prize).
Morgan had quoted in most talks that, without his wife, it would have been difficult for him to achieve what he had done. Because, she took up the entire lead of the household and kept him relieved of his duties just so he could pursue science (I think she deserved a lot more than roses everyday). This Wonder Woman managed to publish 6 research papers before the birth of her first child. Now I’m wondering, had she continued her research, I bet the world would have witnessed what she was capable of (umm, maybe another Nobel).
16 years later, after serving the kids, she went on to continue research in her husband’s lab. But little does the world know, that she worked independently at the Colombia laboratory, independent from her husband and his assistants. She maintained her own fly stocks, carried out her own research and went on to publish a couple of papers on the X-chromosome in drosophila. This was at the age 76, when she received her first appointment at Caltech, 8 years before her death at the age of 82.
Isn’t it tragic than the Photo 51 sneak peek story? Why aren’t women given the space to drive and design their career? I wonder if the society realises what women actually can and wish to do. Little does this world know that science is vast, with innumerable landlocked and glitches and new findings almost every minute. Cracking all codes or solving the enigma is close to impossible. And if someone does love science, let them just go with it. What does it have to do with the chromosome their cells bear?
I leave my fingers crossed, wishing for a world where men would bear babies and women would take a 2-day maternity leave to return back to do everything they’ve ever dreamed of.
madihasamu 