Anything and everything seems all nice and fine until you reach a point in life where you wish to change to see the so-called, “better version” of yourself. This happened with me as well. To someone who has been an omnivert (a.k.a ambivert) life has always been easy. I took up the privilege of switching between a happy-lovey-cheery person and a glum-glee-quiet one depending on the folk around. There are times when I played this switch personality to my strengths. But to someone who always had everyone at bay, letting in individual step into the sanctum sanctorum of my thoughts was pretty new (and of course overwhelming). It was then that I realised that I was not a happy omnivert but rather a more desolated one.
After deep rational thinking, I have understood a little on the meaning of life (It is definitely a lie if I told you that I uncovered the secret to happy life, because I bet no one here knows how to do that). The feeling of temporariness, the transient phase thoughts has always left me unanchored to anyone and everyone. I realised the pain behind attachments, the one that lurks beyond a mirage of happy moments. That’s the reason that I never developed the courage to unsheath and expose the most vulnerable phase of mine.
Trust me, life is definitely surprising. Because even when you choose to shut it all down and hide beneath the sheets, it is going to find ways to leave you undraped. And when it happens in the most unprepared moments, it is going to be troublesome. It’s not that I ain’t enjoying the little paltry pleasures and attention that I keep receiving. Of course, the love, the care and the little promises, the extent to which people push themselves to see me smile is all giving me happiness. There are times these days that I adorn myself with an imaginary crown, for that is how I get treated and cherished. The little drama queen in me is having all her time for herself. Teasing and bragging and what not.
But alongside all these beautiful moments, there is a slightest tinge of fear that creeps in. The fear that the slightest error could push me back to being the desolated omnivert who masks up a happy extrovert face upon the gloomy introverted one. Of course, I’m grown up enough to realise that problems are persistent for every living soul, and that everyone is destined to go through hardships to reach the light at the end of the tunnel. But, to someone who hasn’t visualised and lived in happiness before, my brain isn’t prepared to face any grief at the moment. Maybe that’s the reason, I double-check and keep seeking reaffirmations. And maybe that’s the reason, I overthink, self-doubt and loose myself in the process of securing happiness forever.
Whatever be it, the one thing that I’ve realised today is, Life is surprising. And putting up a mask to show off as an ambivert is not a great achievement. Letting someone seep in through the crevasses of your heart and to flood your veins with love and care is indeed a walking on air experience. And here I am, living it.
madihasamu 